What We Talk About When We Talk About LOVE
“ Narcissus was a very beautiful man that everyone wanted to be with him but he rejected them all. No one else, even Echo, was good enough for him. He stared into the pool, fell in love with his own reflection and eventually wasted away. ”
It is a very popular ‘love’ story of Echo and Narcissus in ancient Greek mythology.
Briefly, one day, Echo came across Narcissus in the forest. She immediately fell in love with him. However, she was condemned to a reflection — typically in mythical stories there are always some curses going on. She could never tell Narcissus that she loved him, but could only repeat his words back to him. Narcissus did not understand this, and he told her to go away. Echo was disappointed and devastated. But she was not the only rejected admirer. Narcissus was not keen to involve in any loving encounters.
Soon after, once again Narcissus was in the wood and stopped to have a sip in a pond. The water was so still that he was able to see his reflection for the first time. Narcissus didn’t know he was looking at himself. He never knew what he was looking like or what a reflection was. He immediately fell in love with the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. It was true love with himself! All Echo could do was sit and watch. She was just an observer of that moment.
But that’s not the whole story.
Contrary to common thought Narcissus didn’t reject his devotees because of his self-love or he was smartest, better looking or didn’t care to hurt others. No. He had no idea about himself, at all. He didn’t even recognize his own reflection! But why?
Because Narcissus was convicted by both Nemesis’s (the goddess of vengeance) and Tiresias’s (a blind prophet, famous for clairvoyance) prophecies powered by one of the rejected furious lover and his own family: as ‘ if Narcissus ever falls in love, don’t let the love be returned! ’ and ‘ he will have a long life if he never knows himself.’ What a curse!
Let’s flip the story here.
What would be your answer from where we are today: Where feminism has become a mainstream movement? How could Echo manifest her existence in this blind romance from today’s perception of love? Why did Echo pursue her love towards him? Could a man be loved based on entirely how he looks? Or such man could still be loved no matter how badly he treated her? Who is leading the sexual and potential partner market here? What is Echo’s role within this mate selection environment? What to choose what not to choose here? What’s happening here?
Continuing the mythical stroll with the Greek philosophy.
As Plato highlights, popular opinions edge us towards the wrong values, career and relationships. We might get deaf to inner voice within this crazy choir or alienate to self-image and even to ourselves. More or less extinction of self. What a horror!
No panic though, Plato has an answer:‘ Know yourself ’. Because understanding better our condition has a great benefit. If you strengthen your self-knowledge, you don’t get so pulled around by feelings.
That is a relief…But how? We need a reflection in others!
Back to the story, Echo was a beautiful reflection. A reflection that Narcissus could know himself if he had a look. Echo, offered her man a peek inside his soul, all he had to do to look. But he didn’t.
Echo was madly in love with Narcissus. Her enigmatic voice was incarnated all the possible love he could imagine. It helped that this mysterious beautiful woman knew just what to say to him. She seemed perfect for him in every way, she was the cause of his desire.
Yet, sometimes a person who looks perfect in all terms of criteria cannot see a lot of good qualities in self-perception. Maybe because no one has reflected it before. Or sometimes a person can feel threatened by self-reflection. The only way that we can know ourselves is through our reflections in others. The first address for the reflection is undoubtedly our family.
Love is collaborative and creative performance that requires active actors and at least one witness— gentle reminder here; witness’s duty is more like being a troubadour, either get inspired by the lovers and spread the story or being sceptical. Definitely not to legitimise the lovers, oh no! Love does not need to be approved by any authority!
For Plato: in a good relationship, a couple shouldn’t love each other exactly as they are right now. They should be committed to educating each other, and to enduring to stormy passages. Each person should want to seduce the other into becoming a better version of themselves.
And this is when the duet of lovers kicks off. Imagine now, lovers are engaged in a swirling dance to search for selves. Both are assertive performers filled with desire of exploration, flowing with curiosity one for others, burning with passion, power and pain. One of the greatest performance to watch. As every performance needs to have its audience, so does this one too.
Love is a discovery of the higher potential of self. And it helps us strike to the greatest contentment in life. Sometimes our potentials that have never appeared can be understood until we admire people with those characteristics. Love is a crazy blend of curiosity for self-discovery, a powerful desire to feel multiply yourself.
As Plato describes: True love is admiration.
In other words, the person we intend to love should have better qualities that we lack. For instance, more courageous or adventures and rebel, or connected and simple. So by getting close to this person, we can become a little like they are. The right person for us the one who helps us grow to our full potential. The person who is in love must see something in that person that no one else has.
Narcissus did live his life as a collectively designed project. He spent his life alone, searched for himself in a constant daydreaming, deaf to voices, blind to other’s existence and ended up gazing into his reflection and died. End of the story.
So centuries later, can we answer what really made Echo and Narcissus that much miserable?
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this article inspired and developed by a series of critical interdisciplinary conversation sessions at Sisli Skola, Istanbul.
